Blogs, musings, writings, and resources.

Tequniques that inspire deeper relationship.

“People don’t really listen. They just wait for their turn to speak.” -some dude.
  • Ask a question of the previous speaker before saying something. (Don’t just wait for your turn to speak.)
  • Pay attention to movement/change/growth in a persons story and ask about it.
  • Pay attention to emotional statements and ask about them.

I have a new article on listening that I will add shortly.

Try not JUST LISTENING for 5min. No interruptions or even questions. See what happens.

Why do I still do dumb stuff?!

As we come into this would we figure out how to cope with difficult situations and emotions by both copying the people around us and by inventing new ways. Unfortunately, we don’t always find the best way by default. This is about primarily about becoming aware of your default survival strategies. It’s impossible to fight an invisible enemy. “The unexamined life is not worth living.” -Socrates

What Are Survival Kits?
*What we do with shame (Not grace!)
*The way we hide
*Our defaults
*Redundant coping skills
*Our old body guard that became our prison guard
*Our addictions

Q. What do I do, that I know I shouldn’t, but in the moment my emotions get the better of me?

________________________________________

Q. Where did I learn this behaviour?

________________________________________

Q. What feelings are involved?  (Search deeper than just anger, frustration, annoyed.)

________________________________________

The False Promise
Survival Kits protect us from our UBF’s but hurt us and others in the process. You will live in reaction for your whole life if you don’t take the time to investigate what is behind your survival kits.

“You have to feel it to heal it.”

“Nothing changes until it becomes what it is.”    -Fritz Pearls

“If we don’t transform our pain we will most assuredly transmit it.”    -Richard Rohr

“What is the seal of freedom attained? No longer to be ashamed of oneself.” –Nietzche

Healing Process

1. Become aware of the survival kit or false comfort.

My Survival Kit:________________________________

 

2. Stop using it long enough to feel what it’s hiding.

UBF/Hurt/Feeling: __________________________

 

3. Find a grown up way of dealing with or finding comfort for the above feeling.

New Strategy: _________________________.

New Thoughts/Truths/Comforts/Assurances:

*

*

*

Eg: I yell, to hide from feeling unheard, instead I can learn to use consequences, negotiation skills, get therapy, find a way to accept being unheard (ie – “I can’t always be heard as I can’t control other peoples ears!” “Feeling unheard doesn’t mean I am unloved.”)

Check out www.thinkladder.com for an online automatic process to follow for this. It’s awesome!

Brain Basics

The way you think changes the way you feel which influences the way you act, so what you think is important, however what makes you think the way you think?

Children are fantastic observers. As kids we are learning machines, constantly picking up new idea and information automatically. It just happens. There is a problem with this however. Due to

 

being young we only have a limited perspective by which to interpret the new information that comes at us. This means there is a high chance that we will interpret it slightly wrong.

These conclusions that we draw in our youth go into the mix of beliefs that we just ‘assume’ to be true and they operate as a foundation for our thinking as adults. This is fine when what we ‘assume’ is correct, but the emotional problems we have in life as adults can usually be traced back to the faulty conclusions we came to as children. This is why as adults we often act like children when we are ‘bumped’.

My process in counselling is to help you to ‘tease out’ the thinking that sits below the surface and find what faulty conclusions are in your blind-spot causing you grief. You may think “I would know if I was thinking things that are wrong” but that is just another faulty conclusion. The fact of the matter is that we don’t know half of what we think because most of it lies in our subconscious or at least in our blindspot.

The conclusions we come to about life in our young years serve as a foundation for our life!

Credit to D. Riddell and R. Cook for inspiration for this page.

UBF’s (Unbearable Feelings)

One of David Riddell’s central concepts is the UBF or Unbearable Feeling. In short it refers to a deep old bruise of the heart. A bruise that we will do anything to avoid being bumped. These are our buttons. Basically, most (or all!) of our craziness is caused by us avoiding our bruises instead of facing up to it and healing it. Or quite simply, realizing that it will actually be ok if we bump it, because now as adults we have the reassurances to coach us through it. That’s a very short paragraph summarizing a VERY BIG phenomenon.

Joel Young’s Views on Therapy

I wrote this in a LinkedIn group the other day but wanted to capture it here as a snapshot of my view on therapy as of the tenth day of July two thousand and fifteen.

I have trained in CBT and also trained counsellors in CBT. Over the last 10 years the model of CBT has changed dramatically and so has research around the effectiv Continue reading “Joel Young’s Views on Therapy”