Ever had your chest go tight, your breathing go shallow, and your whole body shout “danger!” when nothing is actually wrong? You’re not broken. Your feelings might just be time travelling.
My first day as a school counsellor
On my first day as a school counsellor, I walked into the school grounds. Kids everywhere, running around, having fun. And I felt scared. Chest tight, breathing shallow. I was triggered.
So I took a deep breath, slowed my walk, and asked myself what this was about. The answer: I was 14 again. I was badly bullied at school, every single day, including on the bus home. All those old feelings came flooding back, right there in my body, as if it was happening now.
But it wasn’t happening now. As I caught my breath, I could see what was really in front of me: a bunch of little kids having fun, completely distracted doing their own thing. And me, a fully grown adult, a lot bigger than I used to be. There was nothing to be afraid of. Seeing that let me settle and get on with my day.
Feelings are great time travellers
Lots of our feelings are echoes of memories. A smell, a place, someone’s tone of voice or a few words can set off a whole bunch of feelings that have nothing to do with the situation we’re in, and everything to do with something that happened ages ago.
The tricky bit is that these feelings kind of lie to us. They feel so immediate and so real, right there in our body, saying “this is happening right now and it’s important”. The feeling is real. It just doesn’t belong here.
In my anxiety course I picture this as an ocean rip. Rips are mostly invisible, and they’re powerful. The old echoes from our past work the same way: we don’t see them coming, and suddenly we’re being dragged out the back.
How to come back to now
An experienced surfer knows you sometimes get dragged out in a rip and there’s nothing you can do about it. But you can get back in safely by going sideways and taking the long way round. It’s tiring, but it works. Here’s the “sideways” move for time-travelling feelings:
- Slow down and breathe. A few slow, deep breaths into your belly before you do anything else.
- Ask “what is this about?” Notice where the feeling might be coming from. When have you felt exactly this before?
- Name it and give it back to the past. Something like: “Hey, rejection. You come from my school days. You’ve got nothing to do with this conversation with my partner.”
- Look at now on its own merits. What’s actually in front of you? Finish the sentence: “This is different because…”
Over time this creates a little space between the old feeling and the present moment. That space is where your calm lives.
And the good news: our brains can grow new paths. Neuroplasticity (a clunky word for something very hopeful) means that with practice we can build new associations, and new feelings, for the same old situations.
Try this
Next time anxiety shows up out of nowhere, jot down three things: what you felt, where you were, and when you’ve felt that way before. My free Thought Tracker is a one-page printable made for exactly this. Grab it, give it a shot, and see what patterns turn up.
If you’d like to go deeper, my Find Your Calm anxiety course walks you through the whole ocean: the rips, the waves and the safe places on the shore, at your own pace.
Go gently, you’re doing great.
Joel