When you get caught in a rip at the beach, there’s a quick way out: swim sideways, not straight back against it. It works if you act early enough, and if you’ve got the paddle strength.
Anxiety can be like that. The trick isn’t knowing what to do in the moment. It’s having done the practice beforehand.
The day I walked into the school
On my first day as a school counsellor, I walked into the school grounds and my chest went tight. I had to stop and catch my breath. Then I worked out what was going on: my body was reacting to old feelings from way back, not to anything happening that day.
So I paddled sideways. I told myself that my feelings were lying to me, that people probably liked me, and that I probably wasn’t the centre of attention anyway. They were just getting on with their day. I felt anxious for a short while, then I moved on.
The reason it worked is that I’d done the work years earlier.
The groundwork
I’d seen a bunch of counsellors and supervisors over the years, and I’d talked through the big stuff. When you talk about hard things and let yourself feel them, the feelings lose a bit of their energy. And underneath them, you often find the beliefs that were driving them. Mine were things like “people won’t like me” and “I’ll be embarrassed if I’m the centre of attention.”
Once I’d named those, I could tune them to something more realistic. But then I had to practise the new beliefs.
Practise in small, safe places
As a teenager I learnt guitar. I wasn’t very good, but I joined a band anyway, partly because I knew I’d end up on a stage with people looking at me. It was a safe place to experiment: I could hide behind a guitar and teach my body, gig by gig, that being the centre of attention isn’t automatically embarrassing.
Later I put my hand up to speak at a workshop, without preparation, in front of people I respected. I did an average job, and I felt embarrassed afterwards. But I was told it was good enough, and nobody hated me. I survived it. That’s the point: each small go built a bit more strength.
Don’t jump in the deep end first
I once took a mate surfing on a big day and we paddled out through the rip, because that’s what you do when you’re surfing. He hadn’t surfed much, couldn’t get sideways, and a lifeguard had to bring him in. I felt terrible about it. The moral is that you don’t go straight into the biggest, scariest situation. You build up to it. Mental muscles work a bit like physical ones: you need to use them.
Try this today
- Write down one belief that gets loud when you’re anxious, like “everyone’s watching me”.
- Next to it, write a truer sentence, like “people are mostly busy with their own day”.
- Choose one small, low-stakes thing that challenges it (say hello to a neighbour, speak up in a meeting) and do it this week. Notice that you survived.
If anything heavy comes up as you do this, talking it through with a counsellor is a great idea. That’s what worked for me.
My free Thought Tracker is a good place to write those truer sentences. And my Find Your Calm anxiety course helps you build your ‘paddle strength’.
Small steps count.
Joel